The Art of Apologizing: Why Saying “I’m Sorry” is a Game-Changer in your Relationships
It’s all roses and butterflies, until someone messes up and someone gets hurt.
Disagreements happen with partners, things you regret are said, friends get upset, and kids push buttons.
It's inevitable.
But what separates thriving relationships from those that falter is the art of repair (aka apologizing).
Repair isn't about assigning blame or dwelling on the past. It's about acknowledging the hurt, rebuilding trust, and strengthening the bond.
YES! This is also a truth that applies between the parent-child relationship (more to come on this).
But why is it so difficult for most people to say “I am sorry” or even say “I messed up.”
The Challenge of Repair
Here are some common roadblocks:
- Ego & Stubbornness: Admitting fault can feel like a blow to the ego. I get it, no one likes to feel ashamed or losing. But true repair requires letting go of being "right" and focusing on understanding the other person's perspective.
- Fresh Wounds & Hurt Feelings: In the heat of the moment, emotions run high. It can be hard to approach repair when you're still feeling hurt or angry. Taking some time to cool down can make the conversation more productive.
- Fear of Vulnerability: Opening up about our feelings can feel scary, especially when no one taught you when you were growing up, it was shunned or seen as weak. But true connection thrives on vulnerability. By sharing your hurt honestly, you invite the other person to empathize and repair the rift.
- Past traumas or hurts: This may have NOTHING to do with your current relationship and everything to do with unresolved and stuck emotions from your past. Maybe your parents or caregivers never told you “I am sorry” or things were brushed under the rug. Maybe you were told to “toughen up” and the only option given was to keep on moving.
No one taught you to apologize, so you have no clue how to do it and/or see it as a sign of weakness.
Vulnerability and emotional intelligence is a strength!
And it shows maturity. It is up to you to re-write that narrative.
Why Repair Matters
Think of your relationships like a beautiful garden. Disagreements are like unexpected storms that ruffle the flowers and snap a few branches.
Without repair, those damaged parts can lead to a wilting garden. Repair is the sunshine and nurturing care that helps your garden flourish again.
It shows the other person they matter, that the relationship is worth the effort to mend.
PLUS! They will be more willing to apologize when they mess up (and they will)... total WIN-WIN.
Here's why repair is crucial:
- Strengthens Bonds: When you say “I am sorry”, you show commitment to the relationship. It builds trust and strengthens the foundation, making future disagreements less likely to cause lasting damage. Remember! relationships are all about long-term investment. No short-cuts.
- Improves Communication: Apologizing often involves open communication, where you listen to each other's feelings and perspectives. Relationships grow from difficult conversions, as long as they are done right and with mutual respect.
- Promotes Emotional Intimacy: Successfully conflict-resolution fosters a sense of safety and vulnerability. You learn to rely on each other to work through tough times, deepening emotional intimacy and investing in your emotional bank account.
Tips for Effective Repair
-
Take Ownership: Acknowledge your part in the disagreement, even if it's just a small part. This shows you're willing to take responsibility and move forward. This may sound like “I am sorry I called you names/raised my voice/walked out of the room. I know that was disrespectful and something I need to work on.”
-
Practice Empathy: Try to see things from the other person's perspective. Listen without interrupting, and validate their feelings.
In therapy, we call this “mirroring” and it sounds like “I hear you felt (insert emotion) and that you didn’t like it when (insert exactly what they said), did I get this right?” This tends to lower the other person’s defense mechanism. -
Focus on Solutions: Don't rehash the argument. Work together to find a solution that addresses both your needs.
Repair in Action: Examples Across Relationships
-
With a Partner: Maybe you snapped after a long day and your partner took it personally. Acknowledge your stress, apologize for your tone, and offer them a hug.
-
With a Friend: A misunderstanding led to a fight. Reach out, express that you miss them, and suggest grabbing coffee to talk things through.
-
With a Child: You lost your temper and yelled. Mom-guilt creeped in. Instead of buying them a toy or some superficial attempt to repair the relationship, try this. Once you've both calmed down, apologize for raising your voice and explain why you were frustrated. Parents believe this means kids will then not take them seriously and will think they can break rules. This is why you can say something like “It was wrong that you yelled at me and tried to push the time that you are allowed to watch t.v. The cut off time is still 6 pm. However, I am sorry I yelled at you, that was not ok that I made you feel scared.”
Remember, repair is a process, not a one-time event. Be patient, kind, and understanding with yourself and the other person. By consistently putting in the effort to repair, you'll cultivate strong, resilient relationships based on mutual respect.
I know these tips are easier said than done.
Oftentimes it requires a closer look at patterns, communication styles, and re-learning conflict resolution in a healthier way.
This is where couple’s coaching is extremely beneficial and a worthy investment. I want to invite you to my newest coaching program, The CONNECTED Couple, where I have applied over a decade in success in marriage and family counseling to the tools you will need to reconnect, rekindle, and thrive with your spouse in your marriage.
You will not regret it.
More About Me: Cynthia Eidelman, Mindset Coach and Speaker
I'm Cynthia Eidelman, a Florida-based Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Worldwide Mindset Coach, and Speaker.
For over a decade, I've helped countless clients overcome similar challenges: feeling overwhelmed and anxious, struggling with communication in relationships, or facing chaos at home.
They all crave guidance, peace, and the validation that they're not alone.
If any of this resonates with you, don't worry!
I'm here as your Mindset Coach and Inner Peace Activator, ready to equip you with powerful tools and solutions you might not have considered.
I believe in a solution-focused approach, helping you develop a new perspective to tackle challenges and create lasting positive change.
My goal is to empower you to feel calmer, clearer, and more confident, needing me less and less over time. All my programs and resources are designed with this in mind, providing practical tools to achieve the results you desire.
