Reclaim the Spark: 10 Tips to Reignite Your Relationship After Kids 

Remember those pre-baby days, filled with laughter, late-night conversations, great intimacy, and spontaneous adventures?

Life after children can feel like a whirlwind, leaving you wondering where the "us" went in the midst of "them."

But! I am here to tell you this is not the end. Reconnecting with your partner and rekindling the romance is absolutely possible.

Keep reading to find out how…

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Mindset coach, I am here to spill the tea on how to navigate this common challenge. Here's your cheat sheet to getting that spark back:

1. Communicate Like Grown-Ups (Again!)

Gone are the days of carefree chit-chat.

Now, conversations often revolve around diaper duty and bedtime battles. But open, clear and consistent communication is crucial for any successful and connected long-term relationship.

Here's where I want to emphasize the NEED for using "I" statements.

Instead of fuming with absolutism or automatic negative thoughts, "You never help with the dishes!", try a gentler, YET, clear approach: "I'm feeling overwhelmed with housework lately.

Can we brainstorm some ways to share the responsibilities more evenly?"

This helps your partner understand your perspective and opens the door for collaborative solutions (emphasis on “collaborative”).

Let me tell you from experience, my friend, anger-filled statements or all-or-nothing comments like “you NEVER…” will only make your partner get defensive, run away, or shut down. 

2. Schedule Time for Your Relationship:

Remember those fancy dinners and late-night movies? They don't have to disappear forever!

Block out time on your calendar, just for the two of you. It doesn't have to be expensive – a cozy night in with wine and cheese or a walk down memory lane reminiscing about your early days together can do wonders.

I know it can be challenging to be spontaneous with your partner when you have kids. But why not brainstorm creative solutions – maybe a babysitting swap with friends or hiring a sitter for a few hours a week?

Go on a day date while the kids are in school? (I can’t tell you how many of my clients had never thought of this idea and lived it when I shared it with them). 

3. Be Mindful of Your Non-Negotiables:

Scrolling through social media while your partner sits right next to you, feeling ignored? Set boundaries! Discuss screen time limits as a couple.

Maybe mealtimes are phone-free zones, or perhaps there's a "no phones in the bedroom" rule.

Prioritize connecting with each other over the virtual world.

Pro tip: This tip will require some thinking on your own to come up with your non-negotiables before you start this conversation with your partner.

P.S. This is where brainstorming and unloading with a couple’s coach (Hi! That is me) will be super helpful in becoming clear adn assertive)

4. Plan for Childcare (and Guilt-Free Getaways!)

Planning a getaway without the kids? Don't let guilt hijack your well-deserved break!

Talk to your partner about your anxieties and find reliable childcare. Remember, a happy and recharged you translates to a more present and loving parent for your little ones.

I know the mental load that often falls on mothers.

Discussing childcare openly and planning ahead can alleviate some of this burden.

By the way! 3 to 5 nights away is worth EVERY penny, and time off from work.

Pro tip: My husband and I have even set a budget aside for our yearly couple’s only getaway and we have come to terms with how important it is to INVEST time and $$ into our relationship in order to not end up like roommates down the line. 

5. Express and Validate Each Other's Feelings:

Our partners aren't mind readers.

Sometimes they just don't understand what we're feeling, wanting or needing.

Practice validating each other's emotions (this is called mirroring in therapy).

Acknowledge their frustrations and let them know you hear them, before you problem-solve or offer your opinion. This fosters a safe space for open communication and strengthens your bond.

I often suggest my clients use phrases like, "That sounds incredibly frustrating. How can I support you through this?" or “I am hearing that”…and paraphrase back what they just shared.

Again! This is where meeting with a couples coach will be LIFE-CHANGING!

Because many of these tips are easier said than done and it’s easy to try these on your own for a week or two and then fall into old cycles again. It’s called accountability within a safe and judgment-free space. 

6. Show Appreciation:

In the daily grind, it's easy to forget to express gratitude for your partner.

Make a conscious effort to appreciate the big and small things they do. Maybe it's leaving them a sweet note for lunch, making them a plate during a jam-packed day of zoom meetings or taking on extra bath time duty.

A simple "thank you for…" or a hug just because can go a long way in showing you see and appreciate their efforts.

7. Keep the Intimacy Alive:

Physical intimacy is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

And maybe you are wondering. “Well how often should we be doing it so that we both feel happy vs. resentful”?

Life with kids can leave you feeling exhausted and touched-out, but don't let the spark fade completely. Be honest with your partner about your needs and desires. Even a stolen kiss or a hand to hold can make a big difference.

Also! Intimacy will 100% look different after kids.

It’s time to change expectations about what “intimacy” feels and is to you, at least while you have infants and young kiddos. 

As embarrassing as it can be, get comfortable sharing fantasies, needs or even asking for support if your libido levels have changed after having kids.

8. Remember, You're on the Same Team:

Parenting can be stressful, and disagreements are inevitable. But remember, you and your partner are on the same team.

Approach conflicts with a collaborative spirit. Listen to each other's perspectives and work together to find solutions that work for everyone.

As I always tell my clients, “if she loses, you lose too!” This is not about who is right and who is wrong, this is about “how can we do better next time?”

9. Sell it like you mean it! 

The reality is that humans are selfish.

Yes! I said that.

We all want to feel like there is something in it for us. This will make your partner feel more open to receiving feedback and open to suggestions or changes you want to implement.

Let me give you an example:

“Baby! The truth is when I have to take care of bedtime duty every night, or think about meal planning every day, I feel exhausted by bedtime and less likely to want to have sex or be in the mood. Why don’t we come up with a plan where you or even a paid help can help me twice a week (or more), so I can have time to decompress?” (this sounds like a total double win to me!) 

10. Learn and appreciate each other’s attachment style:

Ok maybe I lost you here. Did you know we all have an attachment style that is developed based on your upbringing and your earliest attachment to your caregivers?

We all fall within a secure or insecure attachment style.

If you or your partner are insecure, you are most likely to be avoidant, insecure/anxious or disorganized during stressful situations or conflict.

It’s like an impulse that is difficult (but not impossible) to break. I find that the couples I work with decrease their defenses and most start repairing their insecure attachment style just by becoming aware of this.

(Again! This is where putting in the consistent work and investing in your relationship will only lead to dividends) 

Bonus Tip: Same Page Parenting to the Rescue!

Feeling like you're on different planets when it comes to parenting?

I want to offer you a mini course called "Same Page Parenting." I personally designed this 60+ minute resource to help couples communicate more effectively and understand each other's parenting styles.

This course can be a game-changer for couples struggling to find common ground on discipline, routines, and other parenting issues. Think of it as a conversation starter and the beginning path into calmer and more connected days at home.

Plus! It is such a low-cost, entry level investment that you have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain! 

Remember, a fulfilling relationship takes effort, but the rewards are immeasurable.

So put down the laundry basket, START those uncomfortable, but much needed conversations, INVEST in your couple,  and reclaim the magic you once knew!

More About Me: Cynthia Eidelman, Mindset Coach and Speaker

I'm Cynthia Eidelman, a Florida-based Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Worldwide Mindset Coach, and Speaker.

For over a decade, I've helped countless clients overcome similar challenges: feeling overwhelmed and anxious, struggling with communication in relationships, or facing chaos at home.

They all crave guidance, peace, and the validation that they're not alone.

If any of this resonates with you, don't worry!

I'm here as your Mindset Coach and Inner Peace Activator, ready to equip you with powerful tools and solutions you might not have considered.

I believe in a solution-focused approach, helping you develop a new perspective to tackle challenges and create lasting positive change.

My goal is to empower you to feel calmer, clearer, and more confident, needing me less and less over time. All my programs and resources are designed with this in mind, providing practical tools to achieve the results you desire.

So, are you ready to SAY YES to a happier, more fulfilling you?